“Oh, you’re here again huh,” said Megalodontus, bleary eyed and weary of soul, as he dragged himself up to his laptop just to waste your time by typing this line. Week 4 of the UK League of Legends UKLC devastated him, as he looks back at it now…
But first, a tragic story about my cousin…
Today I had to talk to my heartbroken baby cousin. I could never relate to children, they are too… ‘rowdy’, too irrational. It didn’t help I had the empathy of a chicken madras (this is possibly the weirdest metaphor I’ve ever read – Dom), but here I was, watching him bawl his tear ducts dry. I approached tepidly.
“Hey buddy, how’s my little hero faring?” I said, sitting down warily. He didn’t respond. “Yeah, moving places is tough huh… But you like adventures don’t you? Tell me, where do you want to go? With your dad?”
He shook his head, sniffling loudly. Ah, that’s right, we were in this mess due to his father – my uncle – in the first place. He raised his hand.
“What about your friends?” I asked again.
“…they bully me constantly,” he whispered miserably. Good lord, this was difficult.
I sighed, remaining clueless, “Then who would like to go with?”
Without missing a beat he looked up and said, “Enclave Gaming because they can’t and won’t beat anyone.”
Erixen is the best midlaner in the UK – nay, the ERLs!
What can’t this man do? 70 ping? No problem, still styles on his opponents! He’s certainly jacked, wears the freshest clothes, eats at the chillest restaurants – if Jeff is paying – and probably hangs out with the hottest dudes.
Very soon we will have an “ERIXEN WHAT WAS THAT?!” moment that will be immortalised alongside Faker’s Zed play and people will be calling Faker the Korean Erixen. This will happen next week, I guarantee it!
Fnatic Rising strikes back… but something’s amiss
You know the rhetoric: THE UK IS DOOMED! Darth Vader has announced he is some dude’s dad and went 2-0. But more than that, I’ve confirmed something I’ve been suspecting for weeks!
Look at that thoroughly disgusting KDA. Yeah you people say xMatty is a great ADC and Aphelios is OP blah blah. However, after a professional evening with an expert in picture overlays (aka myself), I have discovered why his Aphelios is so good…
Look at the uncanny resemblance! xMatty is Aphelios! Even their hairstyles are the same! Ban Aphelios? Sure, but you can’t ban him in real life, can you?
When people say Fnatic Rising had a stonking off-season, I finally understood what they meant. Somehow their esport megabucks can buy a character from Mt. Targon!
(Other orgs take note, but don’t be so dumb to buy a character like Aurelian Sol and masquerade him with a pair of headphones, please)
Since I’m the epitome of generosity...
NVsion. Look, you guys went 1-1 again right? So this means the owners were probably being massive penny-pinchers and gave their players food from Poundland or worse, raiding the charity bin. Inexcusable.
Anyways, here’s one indispensable free piece of advice for you guys: Just pick Noltey Karthus every game.
It’s free real estate.
Remember to treat me to a 6-star hotel cuisine if works.
UKLC teams can’t do simple maths to save their hides
It seems the UKLC are able to kill dragons, barons and champions but can’t count to save their life. Looks like Thanos has some snapping to do.
There is only one way Demise makes playoffs
“Wait a minute, didn’t you say 2 weeks ago how Demise had an appropriate name and now you’re talking playoffs at 2-6? You shameless hypocri-“
Well excuse me for expecting NVision to be the, uh, what was it again, “academy killers“? Who knew they would fall flat!
Now that 4th place is basically a battle royale and my sanity is dangling by a thread, I played ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe’ and landed on Demise and thought, “ah f*** I’m stuck with them now”.
So if we’re gonna do this, we’re going to do it right… in a professional way. How do Demise make playoffs? Just give King Kerb Yorick every game!
Coaching is so EZ PZ. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
BT Excel seem to be writing their own script
(Granted, ENUK’s version is “Lord of the Int-ings” but usually by now Frodo would be making some sort of progress, yet the dark lords BT Excel are still undefeated!)
Kieran Holmes-Darby laughs maniacally over his cup of coffee while stroking his BT router on his lap like a cat, taking a clumsy swig and spilling a bit over his wireless HyperX headsets and staining his Raven apparel.
Getting up gruffly from his dark throne from noblechairs and setting down his pet router on his Chillblast custom-made PC named ‘Mordor’, he then proceeds to plan the demise of every other EUM team.
Jeez, corporate greed man. No wonder Sauron could never win: he was never sponsored!
Can Enclave actually beat my baby cousin in a game of League? Are BT Excel going to win Worlds at this rate? Why hasn’t the author been tested if he’s clinically insane yet? Tune in next week, same time, same place for UKLC Overreactions!
Disclaimer: Nobody reads these things so can I just say I sometimes like garlic mayo on my pineapple pizza
Megalodontus is a miraculous survivor from the mass extinction and somehow learnt how to use his stubby fins to operate complicated mechanical equipment and drink tea. Worryingly for cryptozoologists, he’s been writing League of Legends articles too.
A self-taught writer who’s had the privilege to work with good editors who aren’t terrified of his pearly whites, Megalodontus is often seen writing either independently or for various websites such as this one. When not writing, he usually runs it down mid in real life and is fascinated with watching paint dry.