Megalodontus is back with another lighthearted look at the goings on in the UKLC this week…
Aight lads, guess wot, we made it to week 2 of Overreactions! That’s right, it’s time to get yer blacklist books out because it’s going to be spicy (think vindaloo levels)!
Before we begin I’d like to (sort of) quote one of Game of Thrones’ most beloved characters, Cersei Lannister: “When you play in UKLC you win or you die, there is no middle ground.”
So teams either go to Stockholm (for the UKLC spring 2020 final) or get Stockholm syndr- nevermind. Let’s find out what’s what!
This split’s dark lord is BT Excel. The UK is doomed
Three Rings for Spain, DACH and France (that’s why they are so f***ing good),
Seven for the minor regions in EUM so they can squabble in Play-ins,
Nine for the UKLC tower format doomed to die,
One for the Academy Team on their dark –
Alright sod it, I’m not being paid enough to narrate J.R.R. Tolkien to you all. And yes that’s exactly how that passage reads – go check the book if you don’t believe me! (geek – Dom)
Following last week’s episode of ‘Lord of the Int-ings’ where Frodo is a shut-in, you will remember there will be one dark lord to rule the split, and after kicking Fnatic Rising down the Spartan well, it is now BT Excel who sits on the Dark Throne.
So what does all mean? Well Excel will win the UKLC of course! I mean it’s just like football innit, when any top team loses their 2nd match, we know their season is over! Just ask the Arsenal fans (sorry Dom)! Fnatic Rising? Fnatic Sinking, more like! It’s doomed lads, BT Excel have shown that it isn’t jungle difference, or top difference, but internet difference that matters.
So while BT Excel are now going on to win EU Masters, some team could go broker a deal with Virgin Media or something, but I doubt that would work because they’ve still not fixed my own broadband!
Sorry doggos but you guys didn’t play like a wolf pack. You played like a pack… of frozen peas. Get it, Pea-lan Gaming! (get out – Dom).
“Belt time” it is from Furndog then!
Chemera is the best midlaner in the UKLC
NVision’s secret weapon revealed: Brelia dad’s bacon butties
This can’t be right, NVision are joint 4th??? Did Brelia’s Dad get a voodoo shaman from the roadside and put a spell on those bacon butties? Or did he get the bacon from one of those flying pigs?
So are NVision ready to once more don the mantle of ‘the chosen ones’? If you’ve actually been paying attention to my ramblings then yes they bloody well are!
NVision are clearly protected by this bizzare conjuration from food: infernal soul for their game with double ADCs and an ocean dragon soul for a disgusting Soraka/Senna draft? Coincidence? I think not!
UKLC beware, for NVision are blessed… by dragons!
“But you said in week 1- “
We don’t do that here (insert Black Panther meme).
I mean their name is ‘NVision’ so they probably have second sight. Trust the process? Nah, too American. Trust your local witch doctor and the trophy goes home to Preston (it’s better than Preston North End’s chances of getting promoted to the Premier League anyway)!
UPDATE: Brelia’s dad says no voodoo shaman was necessary:
No voodoo shaman needed for the magic to happen, it’s all about using dry cure bacon and adding red sauce, not brown. Secret’s out now, other teams will thank me next week, just wait and see.— BreliaDad (@BreliaDad) February 15, 2020
We’ve already established that teams improving through a split is a big fat myth – I mean there’s no such thing in the UK scene right?
So here’s another boomer analogy for Enclave: “Their chances of reaching playoffs are like the 4-headed, man-eating, haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.”
Why? Because such a thing doesn’t exist.
Barrage, I’ve never, ever doubted you
It’s not like I put you guys in 6th or anything in the power rankings right? That would be daft of me!
Right, boomer time: Quick, name me the first movie of the original Star Wars trilogy! You couldn’t could ye, you bunch of zoomers! Actually, it’s time I stop underestimating who reads these outlandish jabbers but anyways the answer is: A New Hope (not necessarily, the original one from the ’70s was just ‘Star Wars’. Cue, ‘Ok boomer’). For those who remember last week’s meme, I think you can see where this is going…
Barrage are the new hope of the UKLC.
I mean, 4-0! A non-academy team? Preposterous! And they lead the table convincingly over BT Excel with no merit other than their first two letters being “Ba”. It’s a pity there aren’t any good teams starting with “A” but we all know nonsensical trivialities are what counts as to who is objectively better at the game!
Looks like Captain Jeff Sparrow will be sailing his boys to the finals! Yes it’s predetermined already, stop asking about my contradictions (okay, stop now before this bloody site becomes Barrage News UK! – Dom)
This is ironic but…
Demise, you could not have chosen a better name. Cheerio.
(Harsh – forgive us Demise, we know not what we do! – Dom).
Who can defeat the Dark Lord? What other outlandish media crossovers will we see next week? Does the author realise no one has laughed at these terrible jokes? Tune in next week in another episode of UKLC Overreactions!
Disclaimer: If you’ve been taking this seriously, ENUK’s customer complaint section is too like the the 4-headed, man-eating, haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Megalodontus is a miraculous survivor from the mass extinction and somehow learnt how to use his stubby fins to operate complicated mechanical equipment and drink tea. Worryingly for cryptozoologists, he’s been writing League of Legends articles too.
A self-taught writer who’s had the privilege to work with good editors who aren’t terrified of his pearly whites, Megalodontus is often seen writing either independently or for various websites such as this one. When not writing, he usually runs it down mid in real life and is fascinated with watching paint dry.